Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
