im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
