I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
