mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
