When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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