I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
