Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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