I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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