I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
