Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
