U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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