Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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