my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
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He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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