Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
