Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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