watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
