Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
