Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
