I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
