Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sex in a hospital.. check
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
