i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
