I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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