I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
