New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
