So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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