Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
