On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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