So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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