Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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