Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
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