I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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