Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
