I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
