Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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