Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Someone signed my nipple.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
