I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
