I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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