just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
