I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
