i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
