I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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