I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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