There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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