I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
