do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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