if you like me you must not know who I am
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
