I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
