She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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