he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
