I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
