my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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