3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
