If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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