Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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