Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
