The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
