you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
